men jokes

[mothergoddess]

 Come Judegement Day
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"
 

 Good one, haha.  

[lilhurricane]

 suh-weet

[mothergoddess]

 blonde guy joke
There are three guys: a Pollock, Mexican, and a blonde guy on top of a sky rise.
The Pollock opens his lunch and sees that he has sauerkraut and brats, " I hate sauerkraut and brats if I get this again I am going to jump." The Mexican opens up his lunch and has refried beans, “Refried beans I hate refried beans if I get this again I am going to jump.” The blonde guy opens up his lunch and has a bologna and cheese sandwich, “Bologna and cheese if I get this one more time I am going to jump.

The next day the Pollock opens up his lunch and sure enough he has sauerkraut and brats and jumps to his death, the Mexican opens up his lunch and sees refried beans and he jumps to his death, the blonde guy opens his lunch and jumps as well.

Three days later at the funeral for the Pollock his wife says while weeping “If I would have known that he didn’t like sauerkraut and brats I would of given him something else.” The wife of the Mexican says while weeping “If I would have known that he didn’t like refried beans I would have given him something different.” Then they turn the wife of the blonde guy and she says “Hey don’t look at me he packs his own lunch.”
       

[INTENS1]

 That's just not right  B)  :rolleyes:    

[mark]

[mothergoddess]

 POTENTIALLY and REALISTICALLY
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."
   :blink:    :blink:  

[mark]

 LOL funny one

[INTENS1]

   :huh:    Good one..

[mothergoddess]

 Surgery Choices
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,
and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
       

[mark]

 he he he, the fifth surgeon     .  

[mothergoddess]

 The Fireman
Many years ago there was a huge oil refinery fire. Flames shot hundreds of feet into the air. The sky was thick with grimy black smoke. The heat was intense - so intense that firefighters had to park their trucks a block away and wait for the heat to die down before they could begin to fight the fire. However, it was about to rage out of control.

Then, all of a sudden, from several blocks away came a fire truck racing down the street. With its brakes screeching, it hit the curb in front of the fire. The firefighters jumped out and began to battle the blaze. All the firefighters who were parked a block away saw this, and they jumped into their trucks, drove down the block and began to fight the fire, too. As a result of that cooperative effort, they were just barely able to bring the fire under control.

The people who saw this teamwork thought, "My goodness, the man who drove that lead fire truck - what an act of bravery!" They decided to give him a special award to recognize him for his bravery in leading the charge.

At the ceremony the mayor said, "Captain, we want to honor you for a fantastic act of bravery. You prevented the loss of property, perhaps even the loss of life. If there is one special thing you could have - just about anything - what would it be?"

Without hesitation, the captain replied, "Your Honor, a new set of brakes would be dandy!"
 ii  .

[MagicOPromotion]

Deadliest catch is great.  Im watching the behinds the scenes special right now.  Ax Men is good too.  I pickup a lot of tips and tricks for using my chain saw by watching the guys on that show work.

Ray